11.16.2010

desperate.


I used to be absolutely desperate for God's touch. I remember a time in my life I longed for His words, and now I want them, but I don't long for them. I was desperate, and it was a painful time, a season of unknowns, but God was known. And I wanted to know him intimately. I rose early early in the morning to seek His face, to cry out to Him, and to be filled with His Spirit. I was consumed with a need to be near Jesus, all through out the day. I don't feel that like I did then. I needed Jesus so badly because my heart felt like it had been torn apart, and He was the only one I knew who could heal me. 

I look back on those days with such a joy and such a jealousy. I want to know God's heart like I did then. I want to want God more than food, air, and life. I want to seek Him and desire Him more than anything this earth can offer. I want to be absolutely head over heels in love with Jesus, totally love struck. I want to care nothing for material possessions, but only treasures stored in heaven. I want to know what God thinks about, and know how he feels about things. I want to instinctively know when he wants me to act, and when he wants me to stay quiet. I want to hear his still small voice when it whispers to me. I want to be able to wait patiently upon the Lord and be content with not knowing or understanding. 

I don't know how to be able to love Jesus more than to ask Him to help me love him more. I don't know how expect to beg for more ability to give everything to him. I know that I have more to give. I want to give more. 

------- (excerpts from Psalm 119 - the scripture that God has put on my heart this week) ------

Blessed are those who seek him with all their heart / I seek you with all my heart; do not let me stray from your commands, I have hidden your word in my heart, that I might not sin against you / My soul is consumed with longing for your laws at all times / May your unfailing love be my comfort / Oh how I love your law, I meditate on it all day long / How sweet are your words to my taste, sweeter than honey to my mouth! / Streams of tears flow from my eyes, for you law is not obeyed / I call with all my heart / I rise before the dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word, my eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises / you are near / your compassion is great O Lord.

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