8.21.2011

a hard pill to swallow

Every day I get to be partnered in life to my best friend and lover. Some days do seem sort of fairy-tale-ish but most are pretty normal, and some are hard.

Sometimes I think that I'm doing pretty well, working on creating a sanctuary in myself, dying to my sinful self, and taking on Christ. But in reality, I am so far away from where I need to be, and there is no one who shows me the honest mirror of my own soul's state like my husband.

Growing up as a first born I've always been the stubborn type, it usually is pretty hard to admit I'm wrong, especially when I really don't want to be. Michael is quick to admit he is wrong, and to forgive me for not admitting when I am.

In a way no other human could, Michael knows me. He sees the way I react to things that make me angry, sad, hurt, overjoyed, nervous, offended, escatic, and heartbroken in a way no other person sees. He sees my first reactions, the good ones, and the ugly ones. He knows when I am being stubborn and resisting his authority as my husband, and he is gentle still.

It is hard to hear your faults so accurately and precisely understood and spoken aloud by another human. My natural defenses fly up and I start to make excuses in my head for what I could say to prove him wrong, that I'm NOT really like that. But in my heart of hearts, I know, he is often right. He is right that I am not submitting to God's plan for me, in submitting to my husband. I am wrong to insist things be done my way, just because that is how I like it, not because that is how God wants it.

Sometimes I hear the Holy Spirit pointing out my stubbornness, and sometimes I listen and yield to his tool of sanctifying me, Michael. Sometimes I choose my own way, and cling to my stubborn and hard heart. I am ashamed that I do, but I know that God is not done with me yet, and I praise him for this opportunity called marriage to learn how to die to myself, and put on Christ. Forsaking myself to serve another. Learning to quickly admit when yes, I am wrong, and yes, you are right. To ask for forgiveness and a chance to make things right.

I am learning, and it is good.

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