11.22.2011

I have so much to be thankful for this year.
I have seen God work through so much junk and past sins and selfishness in my marriage.
I am thankful for the hard days because of what comes from them, intimacy and growth.

The closer Michael and I get, the more we understand and see each others hearts - all the good and all the bad.
Before you get married, you see mostly the good. You try to show each other mostly the good. And that's okay, it's natural.
But don't get married if you expect not to see any bad.
Afterwards, the bad is shown more. It comes out more, and you see deeper into each others motives, because you understand each other in a way no one else has before. This is natural too.
You see each others stubbornness, and all your struggles become magnified as they no longer affect just yourself, but now another person.
And it's scary, because now that person knows. They know you and those things about yourself you don't really want anyone to realize is there. Because then you will have to face them, and deal with them.

Things like my fear of being willing to try new things, because I don't like to fail or be bad at anything. My hardship with admitting I'm wrong. My tendency to be aggressive and in charge.
These are not things I am glad are there. These are not things I really want people to know about. Most don't (well ..  now you do), and maybe many do, but just don't say anything because it's not their place or whatever. Well its Michael's place, and he knows, and it affects him if there is stuff in me that shouldn't be there. The same goes both ways.

Never before have I been so close to someone in such a way, in that their sins hurt me more than they do them and their triumphs bring me joy more than they do themselves. After over a year of marriage I feel I'm just beginning to understand it, somewhat. You are one. I feel like I don't know anything of this yet. It is incredibly complex.


Because we love each other more than anyone else, our mistakes hurt each other more than anyone else, and our joys bring life more than to anyone else.

All I know is that I have learned more about myself, seen the ugliness of my own sin, and in that the deep love and grace of God work inside of marriage than in anything else I've ever known.

I understand the need to forgive quickly as I am forgiven quickly by God and my husband. I see redemption come to life in a moment with a decision to turn over and say 'I forgive you' instead of remain silent. It is not the easy way. It is not the natural way. It is not what I want. But it is what God does for me. It is what He does for him. It is what He wants for us.

It is a choice. We choose to be married. We choose to love. We choose to look for the strengths, talents, and beauty in each other. We choose to speak what our hearts wish to keep hidden. We choose to walk in the light. We choose to let each other cry on our shoulder. We choose to forgive and give grace. We choose it.

As Jesus chose us, we choose each other. There is no other way. There is no waiting for the feelings to come, or the time to be 'right.' We do it now and we don't wait til we feel like it. Jesus did not feel like dying for us, He did not feel like being crucified. But He chose it as was His Father's will. Where would we be if Jesus based his actions upon His feelings. We would have no possibility of relationship with Him. We'd be lost and without hope.

We actively choose marriage and as a result we are closer than before, we are more unified, we are stronger, we are more joyful, we are more whole, we are more in love.

4 comments:

  1. I absolutely love how you worded this: Afterwards, the bad is shown more. It comes out more, and you see deeper into each others motives, because you understand each other in a way no one else has before. This is natural too.
    You see each others stubbornness, and all your struggles become magnified as they no longer affect just yourself, but now another person.
    And it's scary, because now that person knows. They know you and those things about yourself you don't really want anyone to realize is there. Because then you will have to face them, and deal with them.

    Seriously...so beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

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  2. Danae.... blessings on you and Michael as you make this journey- it is more difficult than you can imagine.. and more beautiful! Jeus is with you and is the glue that will hold you together. Love you!

    Dad...

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  3. This post really helped me. My husband and I have been married about four months and I'm grateful that you've put a lot of what I am experiencing into words. Thank you for being honest. It's good to know, if not hard to hear, that the way my flesh is rejecting this process is normal.

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  4. You are so right, Danae.. Marriage is hard... but it's God designed and that makes it beautiful. Thanks for sharing!

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