12.05.2012

The 5 letter word I pretend doesn't apply to me.

Pride.

The thing that has haunted me for years and creeps up in the corners of my heart and eyes and words every minute of the day. The thing that chokes out joy and strangles unity. It keeps my feet tied together and trips me. I fall flat on my face and keep my spirit puffed up, pretending the dirt on my face is make up that is supposed to be there.

It comes up on car rides home from far off places. Where it is just Michael and I and hours of empty silence to fume and huff. When my way is being challenged, and by someone who loves me (how dare he).

Ever since I was little I've been 'stubborn' and headstrong as all get out. And bossy. And in charge. And sometimes it still haunts in the form of that 5 letter word (and blesses me in the form of passion and leadership). I am headstrong still. I am good at arguing and I can talk my way into circles until I am right again. And turn a conversation around so suddenly I'm not wrong, but my husband is and now he apologizes quickly for whatever he may have done wrong (that miniscule thing that I point out as suddenly horribly hurtful), and I all of a sudden don't have the wrong so glaringly obvious and I can slither my way away from the need to say anything close to an 'I'm sorry' or (heaven forbid) 'I'm wrong.'

The words literally catch on my tongue and freeze there and I know he knows that there is a battle raging in my heart and head and spirit and my eyes can't keep it hidden from him. I know he sees my pride winning and dying and fighting to keep control of our relationship and my need to self preserve and this moment.


My head knows that only in opening my hands and taking off all armor of self protection and right - deserving thoughts that life and love and marriage can happen. My head knows it so well. I have read the words in His Word that tell me this. I nod at church at these things and take notes on the verses that instruct. Oh, but the sin of the flesh when the pride is wounded and my stubbornness rears it's ugly head and all I can do is what I have always done. It is a battle. And like Eustace, I have ugly scales from all my selfish flesh and desires. And I need to be torn into by His claws of strong and just mercy that so often hurt when it tears.


But the beauty of the mercy water that cleanses away the ugly after it is torn off is the fullness of joy, but why does it have to be torn first? 



He is a good God. I cringe at how often I do not choose His way, His way of joy, life. I feel the grace flow and the freedom come when I do say those words my sin hates, 'I'm wrong.' And in that after moment of release from sin and a hug of forgiveness I wonder to myself at my incessant need to be right, when there is such goodness in this moment.

And tomorrow there is another chance to choose again. And I choose to cling to the hope that He is not done with me yet  - He will finish the work that He has begun in me. Hallelujah, what a Savior.

5 comments:

  1. pride is something I've struggled with my whole life, and so this really blessed me today. thank you for your honesty and speaking truth, danae!

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  2. Thanks for being so honest Danae. We all have those THINGS. I am so glad you write about your life, thank you for sharing it with us all.

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  3. I needed this today as i start to open my Bible but feel too ashamed of the pride already apparent in my heart. Praying we would both be able to see the death that comes from pride and the life that comes from humility today. Love you.

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  4. This is beautiful Danae. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and being transparent. I often struggle with pride myself and it is so hard for me to say I am sorry and admit that I am wrong. This really hit home for me today. I love when you describe the ugly scales from selfish flesh desires and how they must be torn and washed by the mercy water that flows. You have such a gift for writing.

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